Friday, March 28, 2008

Lesson 7: Guard your Grill

Congratulations if you own a grill (the one you wear in your mouth). This is an incredible waste of money but I'm sure the amount of respect you command on the mean streets of your high school hallways was worth the purchase. I'm talking about the other kind of grill.

Guard what you say about others.
This may seem like common sense on the surface but it's one of the easiest bits of advice to ignore. High school, your sports teams, work - all of these places are filled with people with big egos and bigger mouths. You probably can think of several people off the top of your head you do not like and enjoying talking negatively about. You need to fight the urge to get caught up in the shit talking game.

Don't get caught up in the gossip game.
It's enticing to want to talk poorly about people you don't like. However, you will quickly lose respect of your peers and all that shit you talked will come back around to haunt you. It is guaranteed if you share your low opinion of someone to someone else, they will go blabbing all over the school. This will quickly catch up to you, leading to social problems in the most brutal social scene of all - high school. If you have a problem with someone, just tell it to their face.

Don't trust anyone in your social circle.
Besides your absolute best friends, and in high school even they are not a guarantee, trust no one in your social circle in high school. Teenagers will constantly sell each other out just for their own benefit of advancement up the social ladder. If you have a secret you don't want anyone to know, you better not tell anyone. In high school, you are at the point of brain development where you are entirely egocentric - the world revolves around you. This means people will do whatever necessary to benefit themselves first, neglecting all other consequences. I had almost every good friend turn on me at one point in high school. This made me question what "good friend" means. Some of those people remain my good friends today. Notice I said almost, that means that a few stayed loyal. Some people are just cut from a better cloth. If you find friends like this, make sure you keep them on your side.

Listen first, speak only when necessary.
You'll begin to notice that the elite of the popular crowds do not run their mouths. They tend to be very guarded with who they trust and what they say. They also tend to be very guarded with how much they talk. This is because these people have learned to be self disciplined. Think of your words as currency. The more you flood the market with currency, the less value it has. If you take the approach of being a listener and speak only when you have intelligent and thought out words to add, your reputation will quickly grow. People will see you as someone they can trust. This is a very good thing.

Keep secrets.
Besides your own secrets, you will learn many secrets throughout high school if you know how to listen. Drunk kids at parties, people with less self-control, stoners, emotional girls, all are great sources of information. Once your reputation has grown, more people will trust you with more information. Keep this information guarded. Information is power and leverage. Once you have enough of it, you can command a lot of control over people. The popular crowd tends to engage in activities that are often illegal and immoral. Information about drugs, money, sex, abortions, thefts, steriods, cheating, etc will be entrusted to you. Use this to your advantage when necessary. Just remember, all those people who like to talk shit about other people to you are probably saying the same things about you behind your back. It's just the nature of the beast in high school.


Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Lesson 6: Your Comfort Zone

Get out of your comfort zone!!
Okay, so how many times have you heard this ridiculous cliché? Too many. But guess why? No, not because it was popularized by the late Jimmy Carter. There are two reasons.

Reason Numero Uno
It's a lot more socially acceptable than saying "stop being a f***ing pussy." But, it's what everyone means when they say it. Getting out of your comfort zone means manning up and doing things that challenge you in new ways. It's the only way you develop as a mature adult who doesn't call home to mommy when they have to figure out how to do their laundry or solve their big boy calculus problems that the university professor gave them.

Reason Numero Dos
It's because it's something that all adults realize when it's a little too late in their adult lives. Holy crap, one day you will wake up from your pathetic job as overnight stock manager at Staples and realize you've never "gotten out of your comfort zone." You've been a pussy you're whole life. You need to branch out, leave home, travel, take a punch, make a speech, all that crap. But really, it's simpler than that. Example - I will readily admit this - I suck at basketball. But I also play in my work league. I am probably the worst player on our team, and it really challenges my ego to suck so bad. But I want to improve and learn to appreciate the game. So I play basketball. And I am getting better. And it helps me other areas of my life. Example 2 - I recently took up snowboarding. Remember that line in Fight Club, when Ed Norton says "after fighting, everything gets the volume turned down... you can deal with anything." Fighting is an extreme example, but after flying down a mountain all weekend on a piece of wood, hitting jumps and rails, sometimes landing, sometimes falling, always having adrenaline fueling you, work isn't that big of a deal. You'll worry less about the little things. So what are you waiting for? Stop being a melvin and go out there and do something new. Play basketball in the inner city. Tryout for the football team. Buy that girl at the bar a shot of chocolate cake. Shave your head. Don't wake up ten years from now and wish you had.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Lesson 5: Your Threads

Congrats if the word "threads" means something to you.

Clothes make the man right?... Actually yes. But not the ones you think. I believe that every article of clothing you wear should make some kind of statement about you. Guess what - that Abercrombie Beach Volleyball Team shirt does not say dick about you. Unless you play for the actual A&F beach volleyball team, don't wear this rediculously pompous piece of crap shirt. It sucks. It says nothing about you and chances are it probably smells bad from all that A&F crap cologne anyway.

If you snowboard, get snowboard shirts. If you play lacrosse or football, represent your favorite teams or wear shirts that say you do these things. If you like music, wear your band's t-shirts.

Wear clothes that make people stop and look at them. Find a brand most people don't know about and wear it. A good example is Vestal Watches or Utopia Optics. They make sweet gear for extreme athletes.

Wear clothes that make people laugh or question themselves. Political shirts, funny shirts, and intelligent shirts will start conversation and get you noticed. Check out Those Hollister Polo Shirts will be outdated in a year, trust me. Certain brands scream I AM IN HIGHSCHOOL!!! You will not wear these very long. A&F, Hollister, American Eagle etc are all like this.

Lesson 4: Part 3 - Your First Big Party

So the night is going well.

Party games.
Learn to play beer pong, flip cup, and some card games before you show up. They'll help you meet and connect with people which will make you have fun.

Don't overdo it.
You can not socially afford to throw up or black out. Let others drink for you. There can be atime and place to get crazy, but this is not that time. You are not ready yet! If you are the guy who ruins Suzy Swanson's dress with your vomit, everyone will know it Monday morning. If you break Johhny Football Star's leg when you fall on him, you will get sued. If you burn down Jimmy Rich Kid's vintage-sports-car filled garage - you will go to jail. And Jimmy will not invite you back to his parties. D'oh!

Lesson 4: Part 2 - Your First Big Party

This is your first party.

You are what you drink.
It may be tempting to reach into that cooler and grab a cold Mike's Hard Lemonade. But then again, if Mike's Hard Lemonade is tempting you, then maybe so is slapping Johnny Football Star's ass. The point is, Smirnoff Ice, Mike's, Zima, all these are girl drinks. Don't touch them. Men drink beer. When there is no beer, Men drink Scotch. When the scotch is gone, Men go hunting and pillaging for more beer and scotch. End. Of. Story. No flavored 70 proof "peaches and cream" vodka should ever touch your lips. It's proven to decrease testosterone and semen while leading to feelings of rejection and the desire to talk without making sense. Oh my God! So that's why girls act the way they do when they are drunk!

Your Party Outfit
First of all, if you are calling it your "outfit" you have more problems than deciding what kind of beer to drink. Your clothes say a lot about you, but not nearly as much as Marketing Majors at Calvin Klein actually want you to think. Instead of investing a lot of money in clothes, invest that money in your body. Ever notice that the models wearing the clothes could make a homeless mexican's sombrero and siesta blanket look good? You can make a simple tee-shirt look incredible if you are in good shape. No need to go buy a $300 D&G cashmere sweater so Suzy "Party Favor" Swanson hooks up with you. Buy a shirt that says something about you! Go To The Gym! Then drink beer and scotch. Then watch hair sprout from your chest!

Lesson 4: Part 1 - Your First Big Party

You've made it to your first big party.

How'd you get here? Maybe that wealthy preppie kid a town over is throwing a rager or maybe you finally got in with the guy who's swinger parents skip town every weekend to mix it up in el Caribe with the natives. Doesn't matter. You're first party can make or break you as a person in high school. You need to be prepared.

Pre-Party Planning
Have a good cover story and a place to park your car where your parents won't see it. Also, you need to invest in a sober driver or be able and willing to walk back from this party on your own two feet. You have no idea what could happen at this party, so don't count on staying over - have a backup plan in place. Driving after drinking is not a backup plan. My lawyers tell me that I can not endorse driving under the influence, so don't do it. The fines and medical bills could put you in a financial hole the rest of your life (that means you will not live the dream and you fail at life).

Odds and Ends
Never be without a few key items.
-A lighter
-Cigarettes (does not matter if you smoke or not)
-Cell phone & car charger
-Shot glass
-Bottle opener
-Knowledge of good & current music

These items are the most asked for items at parties. They can help start conversation; it's a good social networking tool. This way, if Johnny Football Star comes up and can't open his beer, you can help him out while gaining style points for being prepared.

Try to bring something to the party that distinguishes you. When I worked in the dining commons of a female prep school, we'd make hot wings every friday night before we left. At whatever party I decided was the best for the night, I'd bring the wings to the drunk kids. Instant popularity and drinks for me. Try bringing some kind of different micro-brewery beer, a funnel, expensive liquor, or maybe have ping pongs balls with you. The point is to make a statement. Remember - you're the fucking man and everyone should know it.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Lesson 3: Your First Time

Drum Roll Please... Trumpets Begin Playing...
You've made it to the edge of the promised land. You are going to score. You are going to get some poonani, some poon tang, some sweeet sweet lovin', some va-jay-jay, ass, p in the va-jee, you will be the iron chef of poundin vagé, you're boning, you're banging, fornicating, copulating, consumating your love, getting laid, baking a sexual cake, splitting the oak, sawing the timber, screwin in the lightbulb, making a pubey salad, waxing the car, shining the shoe, taking the train to pound town, knockin' the boots, ridin' the flesh wave, makin' babies, doing the no pants dance, laying the pipe.... You're having sex!

So how'd you get here?
Back up the love train. You found a girl. She's might be a little dim witted. She might have a tramp stamp. May be kind of a slut. She's most likely a hooknasty (see previous blog for this definition). She might wear a little too much makeup but she's no swamp donkey. And's that's a good thing - you're probably going to suck big time your first time and you need a girl that you don't care about too much. Also, this girl has probably done it before and that's going to make things a lot easier for you - that means no hesitation, no whining, complaining, or post-intercourse crying (for you or her). That means you'll suck less which is a good thing because girls have big mouths and you can bet by tomorrow morning Tammy will be telling Suzy that Sally knows that your flesh rocket took off in T-minus 30 seconds in bed and won't that make lunch in the cafeteria awkward tomorrow?

Let's talk about what your pre-game preparation will be...

The Do's...
Before you cross this great divide, preparation is in order if you want to make it to the next round of boning. Much like the Patriots are the best prepared NFL team week in and week out, so should you be the best prepared meat stick playing the field. Here goes.

1.) Watch some porno - this will give you an idea of better positions and what to expect, it's like an online training session all for you - but you should probably hold on off the advanced manuevers until at least a few go arounds (ie the uber-facials, the dirty sanchez, etc.)

2.) Have your signature condom - get comfortable with your latex friend, know how to use him, what size, shape, color and flavor you like (you weirdo). You do not want to be fumbling for your jimmy in the dark and end up killing the moment. And don't get cocky and not strap one on, you gotta wear one, it's standard operating procedure, you don't want kids or whatever bed bugs your booty call happens to have.

3.) Get over your jitters... this might mean having a few drinks beforehand or whatever, something to easy those pre-bone butterflies.

4.) Have a good spot picked out - This does not mean your basement at 5:00 PM on a Wednesday. Find a time and place when no one can hear you or her (and if you're the one screaming, you've got more problems than I want to write about.)

What Not to Do...

1.) Resist the urge to mutter all of those clever phrases that are coming into your head while you're boning... Believe it or not "I have a robot dick" , "Me so horny", or "You taste like corn" will not turn the girl on. It's her job to make noise and you're job to just make it happen. If you do have to talk, just ask short simple questions that involve answers that make her say "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

2.) Other potential mood killers - you haven't showered or tidied up down there. That means shave or trim and if you're a chronic sweater, try some Gold Bond medicated powder. It works wonders for your boys.

3.) Resist the urge to bring lube for your four inch virgin penis. These girls are ready to go. KY Jelly says "I put waaaayyy too much thought into this and I'm really creepy, still wanna touch me?" Game over.

4.) This is the biggest one. Do not under any circumstance say "I love you." This is huge. This will completely freak the girl out. She'll think you want to get married and impregnate her. She'll lose all respect for you as a man. Saying I love you is like saying "I'm super desperate and you are the only girl that would sleep with me." If a girl makes you say it to have sex with her - walk away. That means the girl is legally insane and no amount of pussy is worth the price she will make you pay with her craziness. Get up, go home, rub one out, whatever, do not shack up with this blood-sucker.

So now you're here...
Just remember every girl is different. Some girls are freaks in bed and it's easy. Other girls are self-conscious or insecure. Try to find a girl that is confident being naked, they are the most fun. Also, some girls are not orgasmic. It doesn't matter how many ways you stick it to some girls, the sex will not be good. So keep an open mind. Speaking from experience, some girls will click with you and you will literally go hours with them. Other girls will just not click with you and it won't be that great no matter what you try.
Oh, and the key to lasting hours? Experience helps, but really it's a mental thing starting out. You gotta keep your mind focused on lasting, not blasting. Finding something to think about during sex. I had one friend who swore by old ladies and toilet seats. I always found if I ran through a list of items, like what I had to do the next day or thought about sports, I had no problem lasting. This will eventually not be necessary, it will just come naturally for most. Some girls are naturally tighter too, so it never hurts to have this technique mastered.

When you're finished...

Smoke a cigarette, send some text messages, have a glass of anti-oxidant rich green tea, whatever you need. Check the condom to make sure it's intact. Now go ahead and brag to all your boys about how you were freaking king kong in the bedroom. You earned it.

Lesson 2: Thinking Like a Virgin...

Ok Virgies, Listen Up!
It's time to lose your V card. You've had it. You're fed up with all your friends talking about how they are shacking up with everything that moves and your still shacking up with Miss July from Volume XXVI Issue 19 and a box of tissues. Lame. You have one big problem - you're still thinking like a virgin.

Thinking Like a Virgin will NOT get you Laid
Hold up Jackson, why not? I mean, if I think like a virgin that means I'm always trying to hook up with a girl right? Wrong - your mindset is totally messed up. Half the battle of getting laid, unless you were given the genetics of Brad Pitt, is getting your mind right. I bet you know a few ugly looking kids who are shagging some fine looking girls. They got it right.

Problem #1 - You're wearing a cologne called Desperation
You wreak of desperation when you're a virgin and girls know it. You gotta play it cool with the ladies, like it's a privilidge for them to be talking to you and not the other way around. Exude confidence. The virgin mentality will make you nervous and jittery and girls will smell inexperience and doubt. Act like you've been boning for years. You are King Dick, ruler of the Kingdom of Copulation (look this word up if you don't know what it means 7th graders).

Problem #2 - You're pursuing the wrong girl(s)
You looking for a nice, kind, inexperienced girl to take home to introduce to your parents. Wrong, this won't get you laid either. You are Knight Dick. How does Knight Dick become King Dick? He first slays Whorezilla. You need to target the hooknasties. These sorority-girls-in-the-making are perfect to knock the Uggs with your first time. You know who I am talking about. The bleached-blonde fake-tanned cock goblins who wear their bug-eyed D&G sunglasses and A&F turtle necks in the hallways to cover up their hang-overs and hickeys. They tend to be holding a StarBucks Coffee and fiending for a cigarette. That's another piece of advice - always carry an extra pack of cigs even if you don't smoke. I could name several of my friends who've gotten BJs just b/c a hooknasty needed her nicotine fix at a late night party and was desperate enough.

Problem #3 - You're being too nice
Don't be a nice guy... Virgins tend to be nice guys. You are King Dick for several reasons. 1 is that you are always using your manrod to slay whorezillas. 2 is because you are so calm, cool and detached, girls think you don't care about them and you are a dickhead in their eyes. This is good - girls want what they can't have. Always! If you are a virgin, you're too available. You have no appeal to many of the girls you're looking to bake a sexual cake with. Once girls see you have some experience, they will see other girls are into you, and Boom - your level of desirability goes up. You've leapt from Steve Urkel to Nick Carter. Hooray!

Coming soon... YOUR FIRST TIME

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Lesson 1: The Friend Zone

The Slippery Slope (ie What is the Friend Zone?)
I'll kick these lessons off with something easy that most guys will know about. If you've heard the term The Friend Zone before you know its a trap. It's a trap many guys will unknowingly fall into with a girl they want to hook up with. Once you enter this zone with the girl, you may not be able to get out of it which will doom you to a fate of the dreaded platonic relationship otherwise known as you ain't hittin that and you now have a major case of something called chronic blueballs-itis.

So I was a junior in high school and really sweated this hottie, we'll call her Amelia. Amelia was in the top 10 of hotties in the 11th grade, out of my league, and I wanted to throw some sausage on the barbe. I was convinced she wanted my manrod in or around her mouth and I knew it was just going to take some time and game spitting before I gave her a one way ticket to Pound Town and showed her who the mayor was. Problem was I wasn't even at the train station, and if I had been I would have unknowingly just purchased a one way fare to Blue Balls Lagoon instead of Bone City.

Amelia was a flirt, a little bit of a cocktease. Let's keep in mind that at point in my life I was still a virgin and hadn't had too much luck with pulling the hotties I thought I could. This was one of the problems - thinking like a virgin will not get you the ass your looking for but we'll save that for another time. So I wasn't quite a cocksman and I started sliding down that slope into the friend zone.

How'd I get Here?
I happened to be gifted with a decent sized brain and a good work ethic so Amelia and I started working on projects, homework, crap like that since we had a lot of classes together. After a little while she was asking for my #, screen name, wanted me to meet her for coffee after school and sit beside her in class. She seemed to enjoy my company a lot and I enjoyed the thought of her smokin' my pole. So Amelia had this boyfriend at a different school and she would often complain to me about him and ask for advice about him. BOOM! Warning Sign #1 and I didn't see it. If a girl complains to you about "Jim is such a dickhead Oh My God he is such a dick... yada yada" you gotta walk away immediately. NewsFlash, girls like dickheads, they want what they can't have, and the more a dude ignores them, the more they like it (All lessons to come in the future). I should have called it quits and walked out. But I didn't (stupid). If I had started blowing her off, ignoring her, etc I would have stood a chance. If you're in this situation you better start ignoring this girl, flirt with other girls, do anything to make this girl realize you actually have a pair.

So we continued down the slope. I gave advice, consoled her when she was upset, all hoping for some favors in return. The problem was, she viewed me like a dude who didn't have balls, just ears. Big problem.

Problem #2
I was intimidated by this girl. She was mega hot, smoked (weed/cigs) and drank, hung out with older dudes, listened to Nine Inch Nails, and was part of the elite popular crowd. I let this girl walk all over me because I felt I cared about her. BOOM - wrong move #2. Don't let girls know you care about them and if you can help it (ie you aren't a va-jay-jay) don't actually let yourself care about them. The less you give a shit, the more likely you are to turn them on because they see they can't own you, have you etc and that drives girls crazy.

Outcome Part A
Junior year I did not hook up with this girl and I had invested a lot of time in her. I learned a lot but didn't get any bootie so I had failed. After awhile I saw the error of my ways stopped giving her attention. I didn't see Amelia too often later in the year, I was pursuing other interests. One day she came over to my friends basement where like 6 of us were hanging out. We convinced her to give us a strip show. I didn't see her for a few months after that, she had started dating some physically unattractive kid who happened to drink and played guitar.

Outcome Part B
I made some major lifestyle changes senior year I was able to introduce Amelia to the family jewels. I'll get to how I did this later.

Lesson/Take Away
Don't be the nice guy. If a girl describes you as "he's so nice" you have a big problem. Don't ever ever listen to a girl's problems - it's the job of their girlfriends, tissue boxes, diet pills, and credit cards to listen to that bullshit, not you.