Thursday, January 10, 2008

Lesson 3: Your First Time

Drum Roll Please... Trumpets Begin Playing...
You've made it to the edge of the promised land. You are going to score. You are going to get some poonani, some poon tang, some sweeet sweet lovin', some va-jay-jay, ass, p in the va-jee, you will be the iron chef of poundin vagé, you're boning, you're banging, fornicating, copulating, consumating your love, getting laid, baking a sexual cake, splitting the oak, sawing the timber, screwin in the lightbulb, making a pubey salad, waxing the car, shining the shoe, taking the train to pound town, knockin' the boots, ridin' the flesh wave, makin' babies, doing the no pants dance, laying the pipe.... You're having sex!

So how'd you get here?
Back up the love train. You found a girl. She's might be a little dim witted. She might have a tramp stamp. May be kind of a slut. She's most likely a hooknasty (see previous blog for this definition). She might wear a little too much makeup but she's no swamp donkey. And's that's a good thing - you're probably going to suck big time your first time and you need a girl that you don't care about too much. Also, this girl has probably done it before and that's going to make things a lot easier for you - that means no hesitation, no whining, complaining, or post-intercourse crying (for you or her). That means you'll suck less which is a good thing because girls have big mouths and you can bet by tomorrow morning Tammy will be telling Suzy that Sally knows that your flesh rocket took off in T-minus 30 seconds in bed and won't that make lunch in the cafeteria awkward tomorrow?

Let's talk about what your pre-game preparation will be...

The Do's...
Before you cross this great divide, preparation is in order if you want to make it to the next round of boning. Much like the Patriots are the best prepared NFL team week in and week out, so should you be the best prepared meat stick playing the field. Here goes.

1.) Watch some porno - this will give you an idea of better positions and what to expect, it's like an online training session all for you - but you should probably hold on off the advanced manuevers until at least a few go arounds (ie the uber-facials, the dirty sanchez, etc.)

2.) Have your signature condom - get comfortable with your latex friend, know how to use him, what size, shape, color and flavor you like (you weirdo). You do not want to be fumbling for your jimmy in the dark and end up killing the moment. And don't get cocky and not strap one on, you gotta wear one, it's standard operating procedure, you don't want kids or whatever bed bugs your booty call happens to have.

3.) Get over your jitters... this might mean having a few drinks beforehand or whatever, something to easy those pre-bone butterflies.

4.) Have a good spot picked out - This does not mean your basement at 5:00 PM on a Wednesday. Find a time and place when no one can hear you or her (and if you're the one screaming, you've got more problems than I want to write about.)

What Not to Do...

1.) Resist the urge to mutter all of those clever phrases that are coming into your head while you're boning... Believe it or not "I have a robot dick" , "Me so horny", or "You taste like corn" will not turn the girl on. It's her job to make noise and you're job to just make it happen. If you do have to talk, just ask short simple questions that involve answers that make her say "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

2.) Other potential mood killers - you haven't showered or tidied up down there. That means shave or trim and if you're a chronic sweater, try some Gold Bond medicated powder. It works wonders for your boys.

3.) Resist the urge to bring lube for your four inch virgin penis. These girls are ready to go. KY Jelly says "I put waaaayyy too much thought into this and I'm really creepy, still wanna touch me?" Game over.

4.) This is the biggest one. Do not under any circumstance say "I love you." This is huge. This will completely freak the girl out. She'll think you want to get married and impregnate her. She'll lose all respect for you as a man. Saying I love you is like saying "I'm super desperate and you are the only girl that would sleep with me." If a girl makes you say it to have sex with her - walk away. That means the girl is legally insane and no amount of pussy is worth the price she will make you pay with her craziness. Get up, go home, rub one out, whatever, do not shack up with this blood-sucker.

So now you're here...
Just remember every girl is different. Some girls are freaks in bed and it's easy. Other girls are self-conscious or insecure. Try to find a girl that is confident being naked, they are the most fun. Also, some girls are not orgasmic. It doesn't matter how many ways you stick it to some girls, the sex will not be good. So keep an open mind. Speaking from experience, some girls will click with you and you will literally go hours with them. Other girls will just not click with you and it won't be that great no matter what you try.
Oh, and the key to lasting hours? Experience helps, but really it's a mental thing starting out. You gotta keep your mind focused on lasting, not blasting. Finding something to think about during sex. I had one friend who swore by old ladies and toilet seats. I always found if I ran through a list of items, like what I had to do the next day or thought about sports, I had no problem lasting. This will eventually not be necessary, it will just come naturally for most. Some girls are naturally tighter too, so it never hurts to have this technique mastered.

When you're finished...

Smoke a cigarette, send some text messages, have a glass of anti-oxidant rich green tea, whatever you need. Check the condom to make sure it's intact. Now go ahead and brag to all your boys about how you were freaking king kong in the bedroom. You earned it.

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